Dos and don’ts when spending holidays with the stepfamily

For many families, the festive season is a period when the stepchildren come over for Christmas.

For millions of stepfamilies, especially those that have not yet established a healthy rhythm as a unit, holidays often mean lots of extra pressure and stress.

In such stepfamilies, there’s the cautious dance of volatile relationship management that still needs to take place.

At this time of the year especially, when students are likely returning to the nest for a week or two, those whose parents are divorced may be feeling conflicted about how much time to spend with mom and how much time to spend with dad.

If only dad is repartnered, children of any age may feel they have to spend more time with mom, less with dad and stepmom — “because mom’s alone and dad’s not”.

Many are the stories of children who boycott one parent holiday after holiday out of a misplaced sense of “loyalty” to mom.

This season tends to bring out the guilt in divorced dads, who may more acutely feel the imperfection of relations with their children at holiday time owing to all the tinsel-time hype.

Stepmoms for their part, even those whose stepchildren are young adults, may feel especially compelled to engineer a “real family” type feeling over the holidays.

And often they’re dealing with stepchildren who resent them and their efforts, blame them for their parents’ divorce, or have otherwise yet to come to terms with the order of things.

Holidays often bring out some of our most primitive longings, and a sense of “nostalgia” even for things we probably never had in the first place.

This includes imagining a “perfect” Ozzy-and-Harriet-type marriage.

The flipside of these longings is often resentment and acting out that, things aren’t what they “should be”.

Here are a few pieces of advice to take the pressure down a notch:

1. If you’re tempted to call your father’s wife a “stepmonster” or to badmouth her, take a step back and ask yourself, why?

Even as an adult, you may be in a loyalty bind, sensing on some level that if you are kind or even civil to your stepmother, you are betraying your biological mother in some way.

Your misplaced sense of loyalty can impede your relationship with your father and his wife, making you feel like a perpetual outsider.

This misplaced loyalty also prevents your relationship with your mother from developing healthily. You deserve better.

2. If you’re a stepmother feeling apprehensive about time with your husband’s children, make a resolution to seek a qualified couple’s therapist in the new year to get these issues on the table and dealt with in a constructive way.

Meanwhile, relax your expectation that you “should” be able to win his children over and make them love you, or “should” love them just like they’re your own.

In stepfamily situations, polite and respectful is often hard enough and good enough.

Realistic expectations can help you have a holiday rather than a “hellish-day”.

3. If your marriage was preceded by divorce between two parents, give the stepchild time and space.

Remarriage shatters a child’s hope of his parents’ reunion.

As their hope slips away, children often begin a natural grieving process, one they could postpone when there was still a possibility that their parents would reunite.

It’s important to note that their grieving process sometimes includes trying to destroy a new marriage with the hope that daddy will see the light and return to mom.

With this in mind, give the situation time and space.

4. If the parent has passed away, help the child find ways to remember his parent by listening to stories, displaying photos of the parent in his room, or planning a memorial activity during the holidays.

If you feel it’s necessary, suggest therapy as a way to give a child an outlet and support from an objective person.

5. Pushing boundaries, especially when the lines are blurred, is what your stepchildren will most likely do.

Don’t take this personally. If it’s something you can’t handle on your own, get your spouse involved.

The children will always be tempted to let you know you’re not their biological parent.

How you manage this as an adult can determine your future relationship with them, and even with your spouse.

6. You are under scrutiny. Both your biological children and the stepchild are carefully observing how fair you are in how you treat each of them.

Always keep this in mind when you set boundaries, or mete out discipline.

Your ultimate purpose should always be to integrate the stepchildren into the family such that they don’t feel like outsiders.

Acceptance, security and stability in an environment of love are three of their biggest needs.

7. You are not in competition for their biological parent’s attention.

They are children and you are an adult. It’s grossly unfair to back your spouse into a corner to choose between the two of you.

Be gracious enough to allow your spouse and the children room for bonding time together.

You’ll be amazed at how this will create a win-win outcome for all of you.

8. As a biological parent, you will always face the nagging temptation to bad-mouth your ex-spouse to your children, especially when you’re having an alone time together.

Don’t do it. This will come back to bite you later.

The other related and unfair temptation is to burden your children with your dissolved marriage problems in the quest to make yourself feel and look better to your children. Move on.

Have an awesome holiday period with your stepfamily.

HeraldLIVE