It can be hard to connect with others in today’s fragmented world. Many of us, have hundreds of Facebook friends but, while our screens might be full of smiling faces, our lives are more isolated than ever.
“We’re in the middle of a loneliness epidemic and we need to address it,” says Kate Leaver, author of The Friendship Cure. “We’re more likely to live away from our families and traditional support networks, we’re losing public spaces like libraries and parks where people used to gather or meet, we’re letting work seep into our private lives and we’re busier than ever.”
Clinical psychologist and author, Linda Blair, believes loneliness is a symptom of the technological era. “The emotional part of the brain needs other humans to feel calm but it’s their touch, scent and voice that has this effect, not looking at a picture of them.”
So how do you make friends when, as a grown-up, it’s not as easy as walking up to someone in the playground? “Shared experiences are the best way to make a friend, so join a book club or volunteer,” says Blair. “You have to make yourself get out of the house, even when you don’t want to.”
She argues there’s no such thing as being too busy to meet people. “Look at what you are busy doing and if it’s watching six hours of Netflix a week, it’s time to prioritise friendship.”
Here’s how to make friends in a variety of situations, at any age.
After you've retired:
Blair says: “People don’t realise the social life they had with the office will go, as will the structure of their day.“ Make sure you plan something to get up for every morning, then build in opportunities for social connection, such as charity work or a hobby.”
After a divorce:
“This is hard one,” says Blair. “People in your social circle feel awkward and that they have to take sides, which means you can lose friends. “It’s a time when you’re forming a new type of identity, so now more than ever you have to find new interests.”
For many people, getting involved in a local gym or boot camp can help. Not only do you meet new people, but the endorphins help your mood. For others, it’s a time of contemplation and self-discovery.
When your friends start a family:
“It’s a big change when your friends start families and you haven’t. It can be hard to find the right time to meet up,” says Blair.
Craig Holliday, 37, has experienced this. “It gets to the stage where going out on a Friday night has to be planned six months ahead.”
For Holliday, that meant joining a local hockey club and also joining a holiday club for singletons.
When you work from home:
While the flexibility and freedom of working from home can be appealing, it can lead to isolation. Kate Leaver works from home and her advice is: “Be very diligent about booking in coffee dates: where you could e-mail someone, suggest a face-to-face meeting to get to know them properly and get your fix of human contact. Schedule in at least one in-person meeting each week, or join a freelancer group or a book or wine club; something that meets monthly so it’s always in the diary.”
Other ways to make new friends, include working at the same cafe regularly, so that you can make friends with the staff and other customers, or attending industry events where you can chat to other people in your field.
When you move to a new area:
Seven years ago Anne Thorne, 61, made a dream come true by moving from the city to the countryside. “I didn’t know a soul when I arrived. In the local paper I saw an ad for the local choir so I joined that and found a walking group.”
She says it took courage to get out and meet people, but it was worth it.
If you can’t find a group that’s doing something you love you can create one yourself. Or try the old-fashioned method of knocking on your neighbours’ doors to introduce yourself.
When you stop drinking:
Social life often revolves around drinking, whether we like it or not. Catherine Grey, author of The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, recommends developing new interests and hobbies to do with others, such as theatre, exhibitions or fitness classes. © Telegraph Media Group Limited