What to do when the kids walk in on your ‘private time’

Few moments in a couple’s intimate life are as awkward and that inhibit sexual desire than the fear of getting caught in the act by your child.

It being December and the kids finished with school, there are increased opportunities for this to happen.

It’s very embarrassing and uncomfortable, not just for the couple, but for the child as well.

And depending on how old the child is, will determine the level of awkwardness and how you deal with, “Mommy what are you doing on top of daddy?”

If you are dealing with a preschooler or school ager (3-5 year old), you would find very creative — often read, dumb — words to try to deflate the tension like, “Mommy’s giving daddy a massage”.

Or you’d be even more creative, “We’d just finished taking a shower, and mommy was getting something out of daddy’s eye”, or even worse, “Mommy and daddy are playing wrestling”.

But if you’re as conservative as we are, you’d be even more cautious by first ensuring that the door is locked, and the bedside CD player is on.

However, we’re too boring for you. You’re more adventurous and spontaneous in a manner that causes you to be completely oblivious to your surrounding than us. Now you’re keen on the solution.

The birds and the bees

The most important thing is to stay calm, and not to scream at your child.

The more we treat sex like it’s an illicit, dirty thing, the more likelihood that it will drive kids towards perverse acts later.

The key to managing this moment is to collect yourself before you say something. You can breathe into a paper bag afterwards.

You could tell your little one you’re having some private time with each other as adults.

“So if you can please leave and close the door, that would be great.”

Depending on the stage of development your child is, it can be as simple as that.

Your success will vary with the age of your kid. A seven-year old will have a more sophisticated understanding of privacy than say, a four-year old.

However, the best thing to do to minimise chances of being caught is to sit your children down from an early age and talk about privacy and boundaries.

If you’ve never done so and are now caught, this may be a great opportunity.

It is not inappropriate to expect your children to knock on your door, and get permission before entering.

It is also good for children to understand that parents need alone time together.

Depending on their age, it may also be a great opportunity to be honest about what they saw, using simple and age-appropriate language.

However, first establish what it is they actually saw, and then take things from there.

Also figure out what brought your child to your room. Were they seeking comfort after waking from a nightmare?

Investigating the dying rhino sounds coming from your room?

Whatever the case, read your kid’s emotions and temper the interaction to that.

We feel it’s important not to teach children anything that they’ll to have to unlearn later.

We suggest telling them something truthful that doesn’t give away a lot of detail.

Remember, your kid’s perspective of what they walked into is vastly different from yours.

They may be confused, frightened, or just kind of weirded-out. They would naturally have lots of questions.

Be the parent in the situation, and act adult-like. Create a clear mental boundary between kinky time and kiddie time.

The talk

If you choose to use that already ruined moment of intimacy to have a talk, then do so.

Kids are naturally curious, and you should encourage them to ask follow-up questions.

But you must schedule that press conference after you put on some clothes, and also stashed your riding crops, handcuffs, and Eyes Wide Shut masks.

Some adults think knowing too much about sex too soon can be harmful for children, but actually the opposite is true, we’d argue.

Parents who have ongoing conversations with their children about sex and approach it as a fact of life, actually prevent future risky behaviour.

Children raised this way often postpone first sexual experiences until they have the maturity needed to handle it well.

People who know how to think about something make more cautious, deliberate and thoughtful decisions. 

So, think of your awkward moment now as paying dividends when they’re awkward teens later.

The morning after

A toddler will get over what they saw quicker than a preteen.

A 14-year old that came back at an unexpected time from his friends, and caught mom and dad exploring the couch, may have a more difficult time with the incident.

Don’t expect that your teen will want to rehash all the details over coffee and eggs as they may have challenges tolerating the conversation.

Just as it’s embarrassing for you, it’s also embarrassing for them.

A lot of teens will want to try to get the scene out of their minds as quickly as possible.

Therefore, pushing them to talk about their feelings, then, generally will not go well.

You may say, “I wanted to check in with you, and see if you’re OK. I know last night might have been weird for you. But if you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”

And then take things from there.

Privacy and boundaries

Just because you aren’t ashamed of sex doesn’t mean it’s a great idea for your kids to see you doing it.

Prevention is your friend. You can teach your children to knock first before entering your space; you can lock the doors; you can control your noises as adults etc.

And then you can teach your children to respect boundaries.

No matter how liberal you may be, exposure to eroticism is not appropriate for children, and they should not be brought into it in any way that is inappropriate.

There is a difference between knowing that adults have sex and seeing how they have sex.

That can be traumatising, and can be a seed for pornography.

Think about locking up your sex toys, putting parental controls on phones, and having private time with your spouse for sexual activity.

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