Cheap massage from stripper Suzy
“Ladies, if you have anything shiny, put it inside, they’ll grab it, your earrings, they’ll love it!”
That was our introduction to Suzy the Stripper and her partner Jack the Ripper, Madonna, Lady Gaga and Michael Jackson.
Confused? Let me explain. These fabulous five are not wax models at some Madame Tussauds.
They are in fact some of the star attractions at Safari Ostrich Farm, a working farm about 6km outside Oudtshoorn that offers tours.
The tours include a tractor ride around the farm where a guide – in our case the very entertaining Stephan Janse van Vuuren in his ostrich feather Brakanjan-type hat – explains the difference between the three types of ostrich found here.
From biggest to smallest, they are the Zimbabwean Blue Ostrich, the Kenyan Red Ostrich and the South African Black Ostrich.
Size apart, they are also easily identified by their specific colouring – the Zimbabweans by their red shins and the Kenyans by their red necks and legs.
The South Africans? They just don’t have those colourings.
The ride doesn’t last too long and is followed by a walk to get up close and personal with the ostriches and learn more about them.
Did you know, for instance, that an ostrich egg can withstand weights of up to 120kg without breaking?
Or that their eyes (60g) weigh more than their brains (40g) which, by the way, stay the same size from birth to death?
And then there’s Suzy the Stripper – so named for her fetish with buttons or, rather, undoing them – who does back massages for the measly price of a handful of food.
All you have to do is stand, back against her neck, holding out a handful of food and she does the rest.
And, best of all, ostriches aren’t that clever Janse van Vuuren tells us, so you can go back to Suzy seven times if you like and she’ll have forgotten you’ve already had a massage.
The rest of the ostriches? Well they do what ostriches do – hang around and try to grab anything shiny within reach.
There is also time on the tour to see some of the beautifully carved ostrich eggs and to learn how to spot the difference between fake and genuine ostrich leather, before heading off to a room where the eggs are incubated.
We end our tour with lunch alongside a beautiful green lawn – ostrich fillets with side dishes including samp.