So you’re getting married this festive season?
Relationship strategists Mo and Phindi take a look at what preparation for marriage involves, pointing out that it's altogether different to planning for a wedding. Okay, so everything is already done. Lobola is paid, wedding logistics organised and some of them paid up, and everyone in your inner circle is invited.
You’re getting married this festive season, and it’s going to be the wedding of your dreams. Okay, maybe not so much because, you know, things have gotten a little more expensive than they seemed, and admit it, you’re tempted to take that loan in order to have that wedding everyone will be talking about.
You’ve been looking at the numbers, and specifically that telephone number that’ll sort everything out.
But wait a minute! What is this all about? And aren’t you paying attention on to the wrong thing? You know, wedding versus marriage?
We know the excitement has been building over a while now. The thought of you being “Mr and Mrs” has taken you to cloud nine. In fact, you’ve long perfected your new hand signature and are readying yourself to go to the Home Affairs for the surname change.
However, is everything that should be taken care of before you say “I do” really done though? We don’t doubt that you may be on top of the logistics. In fact, you may even be realistic about the budget, to some extent.
But have you asked each other the uncomfortable questions first? You know, the red flags your guts keep keep warning you about your spouse-to-be.
Have you dealt with your own little issues from the previous relationships as well as baggage from your past? We’re talking about that bad temper, jealousy, addictions, untrustworthy behaviour, poor communication skills and his abusive as well as cheating tendencies.
What about the fact that he enjoys the company of his friends so much so that he sleeps out or doesn’t return until the early hours of the morning? Do you accept each other’s flaws or do you constantly criticise each other’s weaknesses?
If you’re already starting to get irritated by their annoying habits, it’ll only get worse. Are you respectful and supportive of each other’s ambitions and interests in life? Can you be there for each other for better or worse?
Have you even discussed how many kids you want, and how you’re going to manage that little situation of step-parenting? What about your values in so far as concerning spirituality, family, – including parents and siblings? And concerning , money, divorce and faithfulness to an exclusive relationship? What are your deal-breakers? Have you discussed what your deal-breakers are, if any?
You see, without openly and even robustly engaging in these and many other issues of concern you may have about your babe, you may sadly have to call off the wedding.
It’s that important! The wedding is a one-day event that ought to signal that whatever concerns you may have about one another going into the lifetime of marriage are adequately addressed to your satisfaction. Otherwise, it’s just not worth it.
You ought not to commit yourself to anyone in marriage until you’re completely single. Singleness is a state of wholeness and completeness that has to be sought after by both the unmarried as well as married couples.
Married couples drag toxic baggage into marriage without having dealt with it while they were unmarried. As a result they unfairly offload all the toxic stuff on their partners to the frustration of the relationship. That’s not fair!
Talk about everything. Leave nothing to chance or assumption. Whatever you think may be a small issue now, you’ll be surprised at how it may grow to be a huge issue later in marriage. Having honest dialogue about the key issues you face as an individual and as a couple is critical to moving your relationship forward.
Grab good books about marriage as well as preparation, and read together. No business person would start a new company without putting energy and time into finding out all they can about their new business. Yet couples go years and even a lifetime doing marriage by circumstance and chance. Find a counsellor Find a good premarital counsellor or mentor.
These days, many engaged and pre-engaged couples don’t love the idea of inviting family and friends to share opinions about their relationship.
However, we all need friends and family who will be honest about their thoughts, fears and concerns. It would be wise of you to give permission to those you trust to speak truth to you. Such people will have your well-being at heart and are unlikely to be motivated by their own baggage.
Do you get along with each other’s family and friends?
Can you see yourself spending the rest of your life with your partner? Are you able to consider how you have assessed their commitment levels in the relationship? Are you convinced that your method of conflict resolution is complimentary and constructive? What about the forgiveness levels and ability to entertain a dissenting view?
Both of you have to make the effort to compromise to make it work in the long-run, because “till death do us part” can be a very long time.
Few couples ever think deeply about it, but the main reason for an engagement period is not primarily to prepare for the wedding, but to prepare you for marriage. Adequate preparation requires significant work. Successful marriages are often the product of healthy premarital decisions and a willingness to work on the relationship before saying they say “I do”.
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