Every adult relationship has to include discussion about cash

Relationship strategists Mo and Phindi write a weekly column for Weekend Post. This week they discuss relationships and money.

Feedback we received this week, as a result of last week’s column on women helping men to pay ilobolo, was from a woman in a two-year dating relationship with a guy who regularly asks her for money.

Although he has a job and they do not live together, every now and then she has to pay for his petrol and more often has to pay for their recreational time out. Whenever he “borrows” money, he always promises to return it but never does.

And she is too uncomfortable to ask for it back.

So, is it okay for a guy to borrow money from his girlfriend?

Within a marriage commitment, there necessarily is no problem with a husband asking for money from his wife. In fact, our belief is that each partner in the marriage context has a right to the other one’s income.

In a well-adjusted marriage, property becomes secondary to the love and commitment you share regardless of the marriage contract.

However, when you’re still dating we hold a different view.

Dating is a stage meant for you to collect enough information about each other to ascertain whether you want to spend the rest of your lives together. It’s not meant for you to endure unnecessary stress.

Because you are neither morally or legally bound to one another, your money and all property bought through your own personal means belongs to you exclusively.

He may just be stuck financially, which is usual. But that in itself could be a red flag.

Why doesn’t he have anyone close to him he could ask? Could it be that he’s already taken money from family and friends, and they will no longer help him?

Furthermore, if you’re uncomfortable to ask for the repayments, perhaps because you think it may ruin the relationship in some way, what you’re actually saying is you have no relationship. And also that the survival of your relationship is dependent on you not engaging in uncomfortable discussions.

It’s during the dating process that you seriously have to engage in uncomfortable topics.

You are first and foremost a loving woman, not an ATM machine. If your boyfriend doesn’t know the difference and cannot accept you without your money, then you need to weigh your options.

His behaviour is a major violation of appropriate limits in a dating relationship. When you say you’re uncomfortable asking for the money back, we wonder if perhaps he is not encouraging guilt feelings inside you, so as to keep paying him for being your boyfriend. Even if you’re cohabiting, you have no right to each other’s estates or bank accounts. We caution against it because both of you are legally unprotected and financially vulnerable.

Your money is yours alone. It’s yours to spend, it is yours also to invest in a relationship.

But that investment should take the form of savings for marriage or to buy a home.

Here’s what to do.

Bring money up in conversation with him.

If he loves you, he should be able to listen to your concerns without being hurt or angry.

Tell him you are growing uncomfortable about his asking for money. Let him know you love him and are happy to pay your share for activities, like a dinner out, etc.

And that whenever he asks for money to pay for his needs, it devalues his manhood to you as well as his ability to provide as a man.

If he’s mature, he will apologise. He will explain why he has trouble managing his income and ask for help. He will offer to repay you.

He may be embarrassed, but he will not be angry. In this case the conversation will help build a stronger foundation for your relationship by restoring your full trust in him.

You may also offer to help him plan, structure and manage his money better.

But if he’s immature, he may become defensive.

He may dispute your claims, belittle your statements, act entitled as well as feel insulted that you would question him.

This is meant to create guilt inside you so you will stop “bothering” him. If this happens, we suggest you leave the relationship.

It is at best emotional blackmail and at worst abuse. He should be man enough to borrow from his friends, if he actually has the intentions of paying it back.

A good man will not ask a woman he truly likes for cash. It goes against many cultures universally.

He takes care of himself and looks for ways to take care of her.

Every adult relationship has to encompass rational discussion about money.

If he cannot, it means two things: he is not ready for an adult relationship with anyone and he probably loves you less than you think.