How to live with a controlling spouse

Being married to someone that believes they are always right and therefore can't take correction or receive guidance from you is being in a controlling and manipulative relationship.

In marriage, controlling behaviour is often couched as being helpful: giving suggestions and advice to make your life better. In reality, it’s criticism, fear and manipulation.

It’s someone trying to get you to match their expectations of how things “should” be.

Controlling partners won’t easily admit to their controlling behaviour. Actually they rarely are aware of their controlling behaviour.

They believe that they’re just helping you with their “feedback or suggestions” or by finishing something “so it’s done right.”

They believe their behaviour is in your best interest and that of the relationship. They don’t see their controlling behaviour as a symptom of their own anxiety.

Anxiety is at the root of all control issues. This anxiety makes them feel internally out of control.

This drives them to find something to control to make them feel better and back in some sort of power — that “something” is you (among other things).

Furthermore, controlling people can’t understand why you see things differently than they do. They haven’t even considered that there’s another way of seeing something.

If you see something in a different way, then you are simply wrong. If they feel passionately about something and you disagree, then they’ll get even more upset. You might be deemed stupid, ignorant, immoral, or obnoxious.

In addition, controlling people have pretty low self-esteem and are terrified of being vulnerable. This is one of the reasons they can get angry when you don’t follow their advice.

When you don’t do what they’ve said is right, their self-esteem takes a hit so they lash out. “Why do I waste my time giving you advice when you never listen?”

In marriage, they are likely to see themselves as being in a parent-child or teacher-student relationship. Meaning, they see you as inexperienced and themselves as more knowledgeable, and therefore can't be wrong about anything.

Incorrect way of handling them

There are two most common negative responses to a controlling spouse.

The Power Play: The attitude is, if you're going to try to control me, I'll fight you to the end. This approach leads to anger and heated arguments.

The more the controller argues, the more you argue. No-one wins, but the power play continues. Eventually, there's another power play, and the arguing persists.

Many couples follow this pattern for years.

The Submissive-Servant: The attitude is, I yield to the controller and avoid conflict. The motto is “peace at any cost,” which essentially renders you a slave to the controller's demands.

Ironically, the submissive-servant approach doesn't create peace. Externally, you and your spouse may seem to be at peace, but you've turned the battle inward.

How to live with them?

There are two positive approaches that have proven successful for many.

Influence by agreement

Respectfully agreeing without allowing yourself to be controlled holds tremendous potential for influencing a controlling spouse. This approach doesn't strike at the controller's self-worth or significance.

You aren't arguing that the ideas are bad, which will always be interpreted as personal criticism.

However, it's important to follow through with the second half of this approach and not allow yourself to be controlled, such as the executive decision to buy certain appliances for the sake of the budget.

This approach applied consistently over a period of time has influenced many controllers to a more balanced approach to life.

Play to their strengths

In the world of sports and business, good supervisors find the strengths of the player or employee and use them to the maximum.

This principle also works in marriage and is especially helpful for influencing a controller. Since the controller is performance-orientated, they will respond to challenges to reach a given goal.

Therefore, the controlling spouse will welcome a request to help.

You won't win an argument with a controller; you can only prolong the battle. Influencing by agreement and playing to their strengths are much more helpful approaches.

They both assume a kind, but firm refusal to be controlled. You can't change your spouse, but you can influence them.

Here are some few other practical pointers on how to handle your controlling partner:

1) Most controlling people experience anxiety when they feel their power is being challenged. They may or may not be conscious of this, but rather than simply resisting their control, consider acknowledging their anxiety and offer to negotiate.

2) If you feel you are in the right, provide them with corresponding data to support your position. If the context is financial for example, offer the appropriate numbers to prove your point.

3) Control your emotions. The more upset or emotional you get with a controller the more irrational they may see you. Offer your point of view calmly and rationally.

4) Pick your battles. Don't challenge everything, even when unnecessary. Do not get hung up in a parent/child process. Pick your battles rather than resist for the sake of resisting.

5) Part of controlling your emotions also means to be objective. Admit that there are some areas the other person may have proven to be more competent than you. In these areas, they should be allowed more control. And lastly,

6) In acknowledging their anxiety, you may want to provide them with an explanation for their behaviour. For example, controllers may have suffered severe losses in childhood or were forced to cope with incompetent parents, for instance. Gently and respectfully discussing these historical experiences and linking them to a current need for control may lessen this need.