How to handle a strong-willed woman

The 21st century wife, especially the late baby boomer, Gen-Xer and certainly, the millennial wife, is generally self-assured and isn’t afraid to express her full personality in marriage.

Often, she is affirmative and assertive.

She’s clear about what type of marriage she wants and doesn’t shy away from demanding better treatment from her husband.

And in a country that has women as the face of poverty, rape, domestic abuse and femicide, appreciating the equality of men and women as a matter of fundamental principle is paramount.

And the space for women in marriages to fully express their natural essence cannot be emphasised enough.

However, many women struggle to appropriately manage their strong-willed characters in their marriages.

Most strong-willed women tend to handle marriage the way they do almost everything else, they have the capacity to bring out both great passion and great friction.

Many fail to harness their strong personalities, and become difficult to handle in their unbridled postures.

Depending on the type of husband they are with, it can put a lot of strain on the marriage, as they can come across as rude and bitchy.

They fail to manage their dominant and often controlling behaviour, and allow their husbands space to lead.

Characteristics of a strong-willed wife

She can be seen as stubborn, dominant, aggressive, unreasonable or headstrong.

Trying to conform to the behaviour of your strong-willed spouse can easily lead to power struggles, conflict, criticism, hurt and misunderstanding of character.

A strong-willed wife is a person of integrity, and isn’t afraid to give voice to her viewpoints maturely. She is spirited and courageous.

She wants to learn things for herself rather than accepting what others say, so she tests the limits over and over.

She has big, passionate feelings and lives optimally.

Though she doesn’t take kindly to words often used in traditional marriages, like “submission” or “helper”, she is not unreasonable.

She prefers being in charge, and she will challenge boundaries. In the process, she will sometimes put her desire to be right above everything else.

When her heart is set on something, her brain seems to have a hard time switching gears. Sounds familiar?

So, as a man, how do you live with a strong-willed wife?

Be secure in who you are

Are you the kind of guy who constantly needs reassurance or validation? Always second-guessing your decisions, have low self-esteem, is easily intimidated and overthinking minuscule issues?

These behaviours won’t cut it with a strong-willed woman.

If you’re not secure in your own skin and are with a strong-willed woman, your life could be summarised as very miserable.

In fact, unless you learn to be secure in who you are, this dynamic is a predictor for a divorce.

She’ll quickly tire of always having to pick you up, and be your confidence booster.

Also don’t expect her to constantly remind you of how much she loves you just to make you feel better. So don’t act needy and clingy for affection all the time just for the sake of it.

Pity love is a turn-off. You can still show her affection when it’s called for, but there is always a time and place for it.

Don’t be all over her when you’re in public. Be honest and authentic with your affection.

Have goals of your own, and the marriage

Few things are as unattractive to a strong-willed woman as a man who is not driven to accomplish something of substance in his life.

Without long-term goals, marriages stagnate.

If you have no plans, you have no destination. And without a destination, your journey quickly becomes stale.

A strong woman needs some sort of assurance for the future. If not, she’ll feel like the marriage isn’t really going anywhere, and will definitely take the lead.

Avoid power struggles by using routines and rules

You don’t have to prove you’re right.

You can sidestep power struggles and avoid creating a “may the best man win” environment by agreeing on a set of household rules and learning how to compromise.

Developing family rituals and unwritten rules provides a unified standard for everyone to adhere to. And if a rule is violated, you can point your finger at something other than your spouse.

Don’t push her into opposing you

Force always creates “pushback” with humans of all ages.

If you take a hard and fast position, you can easily push your spouse into defying you, just to prove a point.

Just stop, take a breath, and remind yourself that winning a battle with her always sets you up to lose what’s most important: the relationship.

Pick your battles wisely. Not everything needs to be a throw-down match.

Nor does every disagreement need to be won. Timing is everything.

Approaching a strong-willed spouse in a gentle, non-threatening way will yield more successful results than with an accusatory or combative tone.

See it from her point of view

Most strong-willed spouses are fighting for respect. She has a viewpoint that is making her hold fast to her position, and she is trying to protect something that seems important to her.

Only by listening calmly to her and reflecting her words will you come to understand what’s making her oppose you. And, like the rest of us, it helps a lot if she feels understood.

Keep your sense of humour

One of the best ways to manage a strong-willed personality is to remember that she isn't doing anything to annoy you on purpose.

It might seem like that sometimes, but the two of you see the world from very different perspectives, and you’re typically doing things the way that makes sense to you.

We can’t always remember this in the heat of the moment, but with practice we can reduce the number of times we jump straight into an argument before we stop to consider that she may just be doing what comes naturally.