Single parent dating is not easy, especially for children

Dating
Dating
Image: 123RF/miramiska

Single parent dating is anything but stress-free.

Not only is it hard to find the time to date, but as is often the case, children may have a different take on things.

Children are likely to have strong opinions about your choices, too.

One of the most frequent advice-seeking correspondences we get is from single mothers who are ready to recommit to new love.

Often, many have to navigate their children’s disapproval of the new man in their lives.

Some children of widowed, divorced and separated parents expect their parents to either kiss and make up, or stay single forever.

For some time after the dissolution, they will likely maintain the fantasy that their parents may wake up one day and realise it’s all been a misunderstanding, and get back together.

You and your ex might have fuelled that fantasy for a while too, but then reality sets in.

What lies at the heart of the rejection may have nothing at all to do with your new partner, and of course, how old the children are matters.

A toddler may be more receptive of the situation than older children or teenagers.

Still, it’s important to understand where your children are coming from.

Assess reasonability

What is it they actually don’t like about your new man? How does he treat them?

There could be an a justified reason your children don’t like him.

If you find they have plausible reasons not to like him, you may need to reconsider being with him.

Certainly, if they’re just picking on him, you may have to deal with that, but, of course, you need to do so understanding where they come from.

It’s important to determine whether their dislike of your new boyfriend is for a good reason that you were genuinely blind to, or whether they need to realise that while they are your top priority, they don’t rule every decision you make.

Prioritise quality time with them

Children are savvy enough to know that a parent’s dating relationship may take time and attention away from them, and the quickest way to rebel against that is to reject the new person.

However, it’s also easy to get wrapped up in the first flush of early love.

He’s on your mind all of the time, you’re thinking of your next date. It’s natural.

But after separation, it’s likely that your children are being shuttled between two homes.

They are not spending the same quantity of time with you as when the family was under one roof.

If their parent passed away, it’s not unfair of them to believe you are all they have.

Consider whether your children are getting the time with you that they deserve.

Also remember that your children don’t want to lose you too.

Introducing another person they don’t know threatens the relationship they have with you.

Never force that they like him, he needs to win their trust over a period of time.

Allow for adequate time and healing

Separated parents often never consult their children until that point of no return.

This is despite that children are the most affected by the often abrupt and messy end of their parent’s relationship, and the effects are likely to turn their little and inexperienced world upside down.

The disappointment, anxiety and insecurity that come with the departure of their biological parent can have a severe effect on their lives.

Therefore, time and everything that happens within that time is of absolute importance.

While you may be over the separation or death of their biological parent, it doesn’t mean they’re ready for a new figure in their home.

Introducing a new partner can create further apprehension when children aren’t sure just how it will affect them.

So ask yourself, are you asking too much of your children too soon?

Involve close family or friends

To make sure your children’s dislike of your new boyfriend is justifiable, ask a couple of close friends or family members whether they have any concerns about him.

If they do, then you need to pay close attention to whether this is really the right relationship for you.

Loyalty to the departed parent

Children are often unable to comprehend the full capacity of separation, divorce or death of their parent.

They cannot understand and process their emotions.

In their minds, their enjoyment of any time spent in your new boyfriend’s presence may cause them to feel disloyal to their dad.

Dare we say there are grown adults who haven’t sorted through this dilemma themselves.

With positive reinforcement from both parents, they will come to understand that accepting mom’s new boyfriend is not being disloyal to dad.

Address concerns with your boyfriend

As “mama-bear”, it’s your job to get out of your romantic cocoon and engage your boyfriend on your children’s behaviour.

He has to work with you and come clean, as an adult, on his plan of action to allay your children's’ fears.

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