When he suddenly loses interest in sex

Mo and Phindi look at reasons for a man's lack of libido

PREMIUM


We come across more and more relationships under sexual strain because men are now the ones faking “the headache”, while their wives are pulling their hair out in utter frustration.
We’re not talking about wives who naturally have a higher sexual libido than their husbands, nor are we even talking about the depreciating libido that comes with old age.
We’re talking about men, at the prime of their lives who simply lose sexual appetite during the course of the marriage. Sex forms a very small percentage of a marriage and as such cannot sustain the relationship. But sexual boredom or its absence can spoil the entire relationship.
Mismatched sexual desires can have highly devastating results when there’s no transparent communication about them.
The rejection that comes with feeling sexually unwanted by your spouse cuts very deep.
Naturally, you question your own sexual attraction, which in itself delivers a death blow to self-esteem and deeply affects self-confidence.
It is possible that the real reasons for his unnatural loss of sexual appetite have very little to do with him finding her less attractive or having an affair.
The average guy in an affair ensures he’s very sexually active at home as a way of camouflaging his infidelity.
It is also common that emotional and power dynamics lie at the heart of these situations.
One spouse, for instance, may use sex as a way to convey strong emotions that they normally are not comfortable expressing directly.
Another may use it as a weapon to reassert a sense of power and control. By withholding sex, he might find a source of leverage that he may otherwise feel he doesn’t possess.
Furthermore, generally we don’t get aroused when feeling too worried, responsible or guilty about something. We also don’t get turned on if we’re feeling rejected or inferior. Other reasons include the following:
Low testosterone
Testosterone is mainly a male sex hormone, although females generally have small amounts. If he has low testosterone levels, the symptoms typically include erectile dysfunction and low sex drive. We advise that he consults medical practitioners to have his low libido checked out. A simple blood test can verify whether he does indeed have low hormonal levels, and can be treated medically.
Weight problems
We know of cases where low libido is simply a physical issue, with weight being the biggest culprit. Fat works against testosterone in men meaning, the more overweight he is, the less desire he’d typically have for sex.
Pornography
Pornography is a huge libido thief for men. The more he is into pornography, the less he’ll be into sex in real life. Porn trains the brain to be aroused by an image, not the relationship.
If he’s into pornography, we advise that he gets help because porn is not harmless, and it’s not just fun. It gives unrealistic expectations, it’s addictive and it isolates.
Porn simply sabotages the ability to enjoy normal sex.
Addiction
If he spends hours every night with video games or watching TV, he’s not likely to want to have sex very often, either. Addiction to alcohol or any kind of drug can lower one’s sex drive dramatically.
Compulsive workaholic
Work provides an awfully strong temptation for men as they tend to thrive when they feel competent. And if he doesn’t feel competent or involved at home, it is quite likely that he will look for other places to invest most of his energy.
For many men, that place is work. They derive such satisfaction from building a business, earning money or prestige, or just working hard and accomplishing something such that all his passion, drive, and energy is devoted to work, not you.
If you berate him and nag him for not being home, you’ll likely send him running even harder to work, where he’s praised and admired.
Lack of relationship
Often when there is a problem in the marriage, it shows up in the bedroom. But because the symptom is in the bedroom, we often think the solution is too. So we concentrate on strategies that have to do with sex, like buying lingerie and trying new things.
In reality, the solution is often found outside the bedroom. Sex embodies our spiritual, emotional, and relational selves.
If your husband has a low sex drive that isn’t due to health problems or addictions, then the best solution is to work on your friendship. Spend more time together outside the bedroom. Do something he likes even if you don’t, and look for points in it you can use to connect with him about.
The point is, build a relationship that goes beyond physical intimacy. Because, ultimately, that’s what will bring fulfilment in your relationship.
Lack of respect
Be conscious of how you talk to him. We know of many women who belittle their men in public without realising it. Men are particularly sensitive to whatever they would define as disrespect.
Because respect is how men generally spell love. And it has a lot of impact in what happens or does not happen in the bedroom.

This article is reserved for HeraldLIVE subscribers.

A subscription gives you full digital access to all our content.

Already subscribed? Simply sign in below.

Already registered on DispatchLIVE, BusinessLIVE, TimesLIVE or SowetanLIVE? Sign in with the same details.



Questions or problems? Email helpdesk@heraldlive.co.za or call 0860 52 52 00.

X