No one is left confused when you talk about the “other woman”. In fact, she’s called many names. And we wouldn’t want to condone her behaviour in having an affair with a married man. God forbid! The reality is some are tricked into such affairs, while others enter knowingly.
But it’s quite sad how women are often at each other’s throats over a douchebag. Protecting your territory is natural, and quite understandable. We all should but we don’t believe doing so should mean the wife must attack the other woman for a number of reasons.
It’s got little to do with her.
We understand that in the moments of vulnerability and pain of being cheated on, we want to lash out often at the third-party as the immoral home-wrecker but actually your marriage has nothing to do with the “other woman”.
Your husband is in fact the “immoral home-wrecker” but we wouldn’t call him that because of the toxicity of patriarchal society that taught us it has to be the other woman’s fault.
Think about it, if a third party can enter and exit our marriage bubble at will, then our relationship was not as strong as it should have to start with.
If the “home-wrecker” label is all based on another person tempting your husband, or entering his proximity with bad intentions, then we question if the label is correctly appropriated.
We might as well never have intimate relationships. No! Your husband is entirely responsible, and largely all on him.
She’s not your enemy
A wife who believes is in competition with other women over her husband will always attack the “other woman”.
This is like constantly fearing you’re going to be robbed. Imagine what that would do to your state of mind.
You may not always actively worry about someone stealing your man, but if underneath you have the idea that other women are threats to you, then your whole world is going to be unbalanced, and you will ultimately experience suffering within yourself and in your relationship.
What exactly is the point of being in an intimate relationship if other people can threaten your position as a wife so easily? Could it be that the problem is more with you and your relationship than it actually is with any third party?
She’s a band-aid for the real problem
Your husband lied to you. He deceived and cheated on you. These are not easy emotions to handle, but hating her lets him off the hook.
Don’t let her be the scapegoat for what’s really wrong. You can hate her and ban him from seeing her, but that won’t solve the real problem.
She’s not worth you turning to an ugly person
We all have the capacity to be mean. We can all channel the mean girl who tears apart a stranger's social media presence and can say something evil about her most flawless picture.
But that person is an insecure bully. Turning mean won't make you feel better. If you resist the urge to do that, you'll maintain a sense of dignity and humility, even in this undignified and humiliating situation.
She’s really just a placeholder
Yes, she's the one he’s cheating with right now. But he’s the cheater. If it wasn’t her, it would have been another woman. For all you know, there might have even been someone else already. She’s just a symbol for what is so fundamentally wrong with him.
In conclusion, we understand that another woman disrespecting your marriage is disappointing.
And yes, a lot of women do get a big rush from seeing if they can “steal” a man from another woman. And it’s a myth that anyone can be stolen, but you get the point.
This is wrong and immoral and this column isn’t meant to make such behaviour okay.
It's about the man you're married to
However, it’s ultimately about the relationship and the man you’re married to.
It’s his conscious decision to value or devalue the marriage. It’s his morality and values that matter in this situation since he’s the one who made a vow to you, not the “other woman”.
People don’t cheat because they’re confused or manipulated by the devil. They consciously and selfishly do so out of choice.
Everyone is capable of remaining faithful to their spouse, and communicating if there’s something bothering them about their marriage. As soon as you blame the “other woman” not only is this not classy, it completely strips you of your power as a wife.
Don't disempower yourself
You put yourself in a powerless position of having to engage someone who has made no commitment to you. And that often has undesirable consequences.
Part of fighting for your marriage is to maintain your self-respect and dignity as a married woman.
The values of the other woman shouldn’t be your concern, but the values of the man you married. She’s not accountable to you for anything, but your husband is.
If you blame a third party for something that is ultimately your own responsibility, your marriage, then all hope is gone. You are supposed to have the power in the relationship, not a third party.
You’re a Hillary Clinton who’ll later run for the presidency of the United States, and she’s just a Monica Lewinsky who’s only claim to fame will be a one-time office affair. Learn to use your feminine power to create the marriage you want to have, and never be a mere powerless reactor.