Assistance available for abused husbands
Women have been at the receiving end of domestic violence for centuries. When one talks of abusive relationships, women become the face of it by default. And it’s quite appropriate that the vast majority of programmes and concerted effort around curbing this scourge is directed at helping women.
However, whenever we write or speak on this subject, we’re guaranteed to have hard-hitting feedback from men who energetically remind us how men are also abused.
Abuse of men happens far more often than you might expect, it’s only that very few talk about it. And in a patriarchal society such as ours, it’s normal for men not to report or speak up when they suffer abuse at the hands of women they love. Many organisations and even formal institutions purport to be inclusive in dealing with domestic violence, but in reality, many almost exclusively punt programmes aimed at assisting women for reasons we’ve already mentioned.
Men across differing social communities are socialised to be in control, less emotional, stronger and more tolerant of mistreatment by their wives. But the Domestic Violence Act protects all victims of domestic violence, without making it an issue of gender.
Domestic violence in terms of the act means physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional, verbal or psychological abuse, economic abuse, intimidation, harassment, stalking, damage to property, entry into the complainant’s house without consent, where the parties do not share the same residence or any other controlling or abusive behaviour towards a complainant, where such conduct harms or causes imminent harm to the safety, health or wellbeing of the complainant. Men are as entitled to lay a formal charge around any part of this definition as women are.
Nevertheless, many of those that speak of or report the crime are often ridiculed and are shrunk as not being manly enough. In most cases, the actual physical damage inflicted by men is much greater than the actual physical harm inflicted by women, so the impact of domestic violence is less apparent and the violence less likely to come to the attention of others when men are abused.
As a result, most men feel they have nowhere to go for help, and would rather suffer in silence. If that’s not the case, many would leave the relationship, and find themselves women they can dominate, control and abuse in turn. And so the cycle goes.
As with domestic abuse against women, abuse against men can take the form of physical violence, emotional, verbal, or sexual abuse, or any other means that a partner may use to try to control him. As an abused man, you also face a shortage of resources, a lack of understanding from friends and family, and legal obstacles, especially if trying to gain custody of your children from an abusive mother.
It is therefore very reasonable for men to believe that the system is built against them and they therefore feel justified to find their own – often unhealthy – means to deal with the situation.
What hurts a man mentally and emotionally can be very different from what hurts a woman. For some men, being called a coward, impotent or a failure can have a very different psychological impact from the one it would have on a woman. Cruel words hurt, but they hurt in different ways and linger in different ways. In most cases, men are more deeply affected by emotional abuse than physical abuse.
If you are a man and your wife frequently hits or slaps you, punches you, throws the car keys or dishes, or any other moveable objects at you, or if she belittles you in public, then you are being abused.
If she threatens you, withholds your money, is possessive, makes false accusations about you, controls who you see and where you go or threatens to take your children away if you report the abuse, then you are being abused.
Every single individual that lives today is valuable and every life is precious. No matter who you are, you are worth a life of value and love. Only you hold the keys to a better life, a life of freedom.
As a man, you’re totally entitled to determine your own life, and how you want to live it.
Continuing to endure an abusive relationship because of shame, humiliation and the doubt that others will believe your story is to disempower yourself.
Take your life back as a man and determine who you want to spend the rest of your life with.
If you are looking for advice and help on how to break out of the cycle of abuse you are currently facing as a husband, then get advice from the domestic violence support groups or a counsellor. Contact a local organisation like Famsa for your unique and practical assistance.
Document and get evidence of the abuse, report it to the police, keep important documents like your ID on hand, in case of severe, life-threatening situations where you need to leave your home with your children.
Do not retaliate with force or violence.
This will only complicate matters for you further. The police have to protect you according to our constitution and they have to treat you with dignity and respect, care and concern.
Society has a double-standard yardstick when it comes to facing the reality of male abuse, yet there are those who will walk with you and who will believe you.
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