Pitfalls of trying to change spouse's personality


At some point, someone lied to couples and made us believe that only when our spouses think, feel, react and behave the way we do, will the relationship be satisfying. But how often does it happen that just because we try to change our spouses, our relationship gets worse and worse?
Inevitably, the clash caused by our contest to change one another hits the boiling point of frustration and conflict. As couples we often become overly critical of each other, easily irritable and very impatient. We forget that there is a reason why opposites attract.
When people try to change their spouses, they generally try to justify the desire with the rationalisation that if the spouse were to change, their relationship would be much happier, they would be better as a person, and would experience life more positively. In some cases, people struggle with insecurities and want to focus on the spouse’s problems as a way to feel better about themselves.
Just think about how boring life would be if you married someone just like you – you wouldn’t have to grow, or get out of your comfort zone, or enter into another’s world.
Differences are precisely what you need to become the person God created you to be, and to create an interdependent relationship. It’s a bit like vision. When you close one eye, you lose depth perception cues. That’s because you’re viewing things from only one angle. When you look with two eyes, the slightly different vantage points of each eye turn your vision into a 3-D experience.
Instead of trying to make your spouse “see things your way”, you can benefit from having different perspectives. If you and your spouse view a situation from slightly different vantage points, you can blend those views and see things more accurately than either of you could individually. Differences can add richness, depth, and texture to your relationship, if you embrace them. Your differences can be your biggest asset as a couple, if you learn how to use them.
There are generally two reasons people try to change their spouse’s personality:
You want to replicate your actions If you squeeze the toothpaste from the bottom of the tube, or put the toilet seat cover down, you probably want your spouse to do so too. It’s easy to approach differences with the attitude that your way is the right way.
You want your spouse to meet your needs. The needier you are, the more likely you have a detailed agenda of what you want those changes to look like.
Trying to change your spouse tells a bigger story about you than it does your spouse.
What is it that actually drives you to want to change your spouse? Is it control issues? Do you “know better” as to what’s best for your relationship? Is it stubbornness and inflexibility, believing that your perception of “how things should be” is the only right one? Is it a belief that you actually married a child, someone you can’t trust or depend on for a mature behaviour? Is it a narcissistic and self-righteous behaviour that’s only absorbed in your one-dimensional view of life? Or are you driven by a silent belief that you’ve done your spouse a favour by being with them, and they owe you for the “privilege” of being with you?
It is important to examine what you believe gives you the right and motivation to want to change the other person into what you want them to be.
At times it’s an innocent behaviour that’s just motivated by wanting what’s best for the relationship. But then again, what drives you to believe that only you know what’s best for the two of you and that the idea and methods of changing your spouse will take you to the place of happiness in your relationship?
Regardless of your reasons to justify trying to change your spouse, often “making the spouse” change their personality doesn’t work. The only time it looks like it works is if your spouse is unreasonably submissive and is willing to accommodate whatever you want, in order to be loved and have a relationship going,– which is a different story altogether. It’s called “passive behaviour”, and it’s extremely unhealthy.
The only real exception to demand change in your spouse, of course, is if you’re worried about their destructive habits such as substance abuse, gambling, or an abusive behaviour. These should never be put up with, and have to be immediately dealt with as they require change. In any case, these behaviours have more to do with a person’s character than their personality. Character has to grow, but personality is a lot more rigid since it speaks to the core of who your spouse is.
When you try to “change” your spouse’s personality, you usually end up with opposite results: anger, blame, endless arguments, insults, and a growing distance between you. On the other hand, when you decide to learn to accept your spouse, life is much better. The universal paradox is that the more we accept something as is, the more easily it can change. It’s counter-intuitive for sure, but it works.

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