We speak to many higher-income women who date men in a lower income bracket. And we have to say, it can be quite an uncomfortable circumstance.
It’s especially sensitive if both of you are trapped in the traditional man-woman social role expectations, and that he has a male ego complex.
However, today’s South Africa is all about embracing lives as strong, independent and financially savvy women no longer needing men to take care of them.
Quite correctly, government has enacted legislation and policies to prioritise women’s economic independence.
And because there are more women who pass matric and who graduate from tertiary education than men, and some pursue lucrative careers to gain bank accounts that would crush those of their male counterparts, it’s unusual that there won’t be situations like these.
Unfortunately, however, many relationships in these circumstances often meet their demise over differing lifestyles and insecurities involving a threatened male ego that couldn’t handle the successes achieved by the woman.
Women tend to be apologetic of their success when they’re dating down, but are unwilling to compromise the relationship because of emotional attachments. Men on the other hand tend to either shrink in timidity, become unreasonably sensitive, or even worse, become parasitic.
While we know of many couples who have mastered challenges presented by this type of a relationship, many buckle under pressure.
It calls for a great deal of maturity from both partners involved in relationships like this.
For the woman
1. Do you make him feel lesser?
A man in this position already has a fragile ego, otherwise he belongs to a very rare breed of men. It’s not what you do that may affect him much, but how you do it. It is comments you’d pass, sometimes not maliciously intended, that he’d regard as insensitive that you need to guard. Unfortunately, you may have to walk on eggshells often.
2. Do you talk down to him?
Sometimes because you’re used to calling the shots at work, you have to keep it in your consciousness that you are dealing with your man. Make sure he knows that you’re giving him the respect as a man.
3. Do you keep bringing up the income disparity?
Not much is as irritating in this situation as being reminded who brings in the cheese.
Naturally, a man is the provider. And he knows this instinctively. When you place him in tight corners where he feels his inability to provide is constantly challenged, he feels frustrated, controlled and powerless. You don’t want that.
4. Do you honour him privately and publicly?
Men respond to words of affirmation and encouragement naturally. Make him feel you’re in his corner as his cheerleader.
Brag about him every now and then over something he said or did for you.
Let him know privately how much he means to you. And often praise him publicly over his achievements.
5. Do you respect him?
Few men wouldn’t care for a woman they he knows respects him, because that’s how men typically spell love.
It’s spelled r-e-s-p-e-c-t. If you have decided that a man’s financial standing has nothing to do with your feelings for him, then don’t give him a hard time for his choice in his career, his education level or the amount of bread that he brings home.
For the man
1. Do you have an ego complex?
The sooner you disentangle yourself from social expectations of what a man is, the more you’ll enjoy the relationship.
The sooner you accept that women today in Mzansi are more financially independent than before, the better you’ll enjoy life. Define manhood for yourself and in a manner that suits your relationship.
2. Do you make demands you can’t afford?
Nothing spells parasite in a relationship more than a man who insists on expensive stuff he can’t afford, but demands that his woman foots the bill.
You’ll make it easier for your woman to respect and treat you with dignity when you pay your own bills, and live within your means.
3. Do you have a plan?
You may not be able to afford an all-expenses-paid vacation to Dubai, but you can treat her to a picnic.
Whatever you lack for in your bank account, you can make up for it in other aspects of the relationship.
Women generally love a man who makes a plan and leads its implementation. You need to have dreams of your own you should be working towards to better your financial standing.
Importantly, be happy and enjoy the journey.
4. Are you loving towards her?
Nothing is as demeaning as being treated like trash by a broke guy.
Ill-treatment from which-ever direction and on its own is bad enough. But being disrespected by someone who can’t even afford hiss own lifestyle is even more challenging.
You need to treat her like the queen she is, not because she earns higher than you.
Chivalry cannot be bought, and respect, manners and generosity are vital qualities you should pursue.
Lastly, if you’re in the predicament of dating levels lower than you, carefully apply your mind on how much emotional investment you are willing to make. All the best!