Snowflake colonialists make life sweet like a koeksister for AfriForum
AfriForum is on a roll.
No, not a bread roll.
Please, stop imagining a tiny, angry man made out of very pink polony, dressed in teensy little khaki dungarees, struggling to get out of a bun. I mean AfriForum is going places. Granted, they’re not places where anyone has read a book, but still, AfriForum is partying like it’s 1948.
Firstly, it’s got a new movie in theatres, and by “theatres” I mean the laptops of its members, sharing hard-drive space with Steve Hofmeyr’s cover of The Ballad of the Green Berets and a manuscript for an illustrated children’s book about why Caucasian Jesus hates Communists. (I’m not joking about the Hofmeyr song. Search for it on YouTube. On the device of someone you really, really dislike.)
The film, bizarrely described as a “documentary”, is called Disrupted Land. With a title like that you’d assume that it’s about the 1913 Land Act, but, surprisingly, it isn’t. Instead, it turns out it’s about, well, who cares? Once you’ve seen that bit with the B-grade Tomi Lahren talking about Hendrik Verwoerd as a “philosopher”, the rest surely pales into insignificance. And where AfriForum is involved, things can get pretty pale.
Whitewashing a crime against humanity was a great way to start the week, but what happened next was beyond even the wildest dreams of Kallie Kriel and Ernst Roets, even those dreams with the lady and the snake and the baby oil. Because this week, AfriForum was condemned by the Institute of Race Relations.
It was manna from PR heaven. The IRR is essentially a committee of British émigrés huddled under their parasols next to a cricket field in 1903, worrying about whether the natives are hostile or merely annoyed and if there’ll be time to make it to the boat if things really kick off. Just like that, the sons of the soil were under attack by the old enemy, and AfriForum could add English Snowflake Colonialists to its growing list of enemies, or, as all ethnic nationalist groups call their enemies, “fundraising gold”.
So is it all paying off? It must be: propaganda films aren’t cheap to make. Then again, maybe it’s just the old koeksister-baking business kicking into high gear. And before anyone gets offended, I’m not indulging in unpleasant cultural stereotypes. I’m just quoting Roets, himself an unpleasant cultural stereotype, who recently tweeted that Afrikaners had overcome the ravages of the Boer War by, among other things, baking and selling koeksisters.
Still, selling sweet treats and revisionist history can only bring in so much cash. Which is why it’s time for AfriForum to go the visionary route and to build the world’s first theme park inhabited by real, living cultural dinosaurs.
It’s time to build Jurassic Vark.
Imagine the oohs and ahs of the visitors! Look! White people defending legislated racism! Over there, behind the fern – quasi-intellectuals denying historical events! Ooh! People protesting a genocide that isn’t happening!
Yes, the possibilities are immense. Apartheid apologists might be bacteria clustering around the orifices of this country, but bacteria are still alive; and life finds a way ...