Halloween in 2018 can be a minefield of political correctness - Michael Hogan reports on how to avoid the pitfalls
Maybe it’s due to the influence of America, social media and sheer commercial greed but with each passing year, Halloween looms ever larger on the calendar.
Yet in an era where MeToo and online outrage abound, October 31 is becoming an ethical minefield. It can be a pumpkin-spiced nightmare to navigate, but help is at hand. Here’s how to have a Happy Halloween, 2018-style ...
The costumes
Gone are the days when fancy dress was a free-for-all. All manner of previously innocuous costumes can nowadays be deemed “problematic”.
Geisha garb, Disney’s Moana attire or Day of the Dead skull make-up are cultural appropriation – unless you happen to be Japanese, Polynesian or Mexican.
“It’s a culture, not a costume!” screech the bed-wetting killjoys. Oops, I mean, entirely reasonable people.
Cross-dressing can be deemed “transphobic” and, aptly, makes some people very cross. By extension, vampire costumes are Transylvania-phobic and fake blood is transfusion-phobic.
Hannibal Lecter-style restraints, masks or straitjackets apparently reinforce harmful misconceptions about mental illness. Not to mention flesh-eating serial killers, who are often jolly nice chaps.
Some revellers believe that putting “sexy” before anything remotely spooky – sexy black cat, sexy spider, sexy zombie – qualifies as a legitimate costume. Us more reconstructed types should resist such raunchiness for fear of letting down the #sisterhood and playing into the hands of the #patriarchy.
So, in this age of wokeness, what can you actually wear? If you want to tap into the “frightgeist” then Donald Trump (orange face, Shredded Wheat hair, Make America Great Again cap), Melania Trump (pith helmet, crisp white shirt, robo-face), Stormy Daniels, Vladimir Putin, Elon Musk or Kim Jong-un are socially acceptable although they might not exactly make you popular.
Fashion-forward feminist assassin Villanelle from “Killing Eve” or Offred from “The Handmaid’s Tale” might be more “empowering” choices.
However, Brett Kavanaugh, Harvey Weinstein, Bill Cosby, Cristiano Ronaldo, and “Sir” Philip Green should be filed under “too soon”. Killer Saudis wielding bone saws are a total no-no though. It will always be too soon.
The decorations
Pumpkins for carving must be sustainably farmed and preferably hand-picked by welly-clad infants, then posted on Instagram with a string of insufferably self-satisfied hashtags.
The nation’s food waste crisis – not to mention the terrifying fact that 18,000 tons of pumpkin ends up in landfill in the US post-Hallowe’en – means a new focus on repurposing the flesh and seeds.
Yes, you will be sick of pumpkin-flavoured everything by early November, but any nausea will be offset by your sense of eco-superiority.
The games
Apple-bobbing is a health and safety nightmare – it’s basically legalised waterboarding – although, on the upside, it can be counted towards one of your five a day.
“Penny for the Guy” pays homage to Mr Fawkes but could still be seen as sexist. “Penny for the guy slash girl slash self-identifying non-binary gender-fluid individual” is a safer bet.
“Pin the wart on the witch’s nose” should be avoided in case it causes offence to those with dermatological conditions or trivialises the persecution of actual witches.
The tricks
Door-knocking strangers is an activity fraught with risk, especially if they decline to dispense treats and you’re forced to prank them.
To avoid legal proceedings, carry paperwork and ask prospective victims: “Please sign this waiver before I spook you”. Can’t be too careful.
The treats
Cheap sweets and fun-size chocolate bars are contributing to the obesity crisis so far better to offer up sugar-free, gluten-free, pleasure-free treats. The little darlings’ faces might contort in disgust but they’ll thank you for it one day. When they get out of therapy.
It’s safest to ensure all comestibles are vegan even if it makes them taste like a Pilates instructor’s Birkenstock.
Make certain that ingredients are clearly marked in case of allergies, intolerances or made-up aversions. Nothing with dairy or nuts, obviously. Or fun. God forbid. So old-fashioned.
Happy Halloween! Here’s hoping you won’t become the centre of a viral shaming campaign by the end of it. – The Sunday Telegraph