This is an extract from the new memoir by Khaya Dlanga, These Things Really Do Happen To Me, published by Pan Macmillan
A man offers a woman a job, then hits on her
Many men will say, ‘I am not like Harvey Weinstein.’ But how many men promise women opportunities, wine and dine them, buy them gifts, and then expect some kind of transactional relationship to follow? Men must stop abusing their power.
Guys, this is why women say we are trash. Many men will act as though they are helping a woman, but they’re only dangling their promises in front of her to exert power over her.
Coercion is not consent. If, for example, you promise her a job and she agrees to have sex with you, it is coercion. There is no real free will. Often, people are desperate. It is the women who are shamed for securing jobs or ‘favours’ in this way – but the men who put them in these positions aren’t. That has got to change.
As recently as September 2017, a close friend of mine told me a story that made me feel angry and powerless. I couldn’t do anything about it. If I felt so powerless, I could not imagine how much more powerless she must have felt.
My friend had met a gentleman who owns a successful company.
He knew that she needed a job and he’d recommended her for an open position at his company. The whole process was handled professionally, through his HR department.
The interview had gone very well; the HP practitioner was very impressed; and the owner of the company had not been visibly involved. My friend felt hopeful and confident.
She had no reason to be apprehensive about the process or the position because the man had shown no signs of being, for lack of a better word, trash.
A few days after the interview, she received a text from the owner of the company. He said that he’d heard that the interview went very well; he used words like ‘babe’ and ‘sweetie’. Her heart sank and she immediately felt uncomfortable. She knew that this was not headed in the right direction. She did not respond to his text.
He then called and left her a voicemail, saying they should go celebrate with a drink that night because the job was hers.
There was a part of her that wanted to use the easy excuse of having other plans. Instead, she decided to be direct. She politely declined the drinks invite as she viewed it as unprofessional, explaining that she didn’t want to create the wrong impression.
The next day she got a phone call from HR, telling her that unfortunately, she did not get the job. The night before, the owner had wanted to celebrate with her and when she did not respond to his advances, the offer was rescinded.
There are many more stories like this – not only of opportunities that qualified women don’t get when they stand up for themselves, but also of harassment in the workplace on a day-to-day basis.
Many women don’t feel that they would be protected if they speak up. If anything, they are often victimised more. Our social structure protects men.
We not only need systems that make it easier for women to report this kind of behaviour, but clear and actionable consequences for perpetrators.
What my friend told me bothered me for months. We are not entitled to women.
These Things Really Do Happen To Me by Khaya Dlanga is published by Pan Macmillan