When breaking up is hard to do
A charming friend with whom I’ve stayed in touch for years confided once that she is seriously considering therapy to deal with two messy relationship break-ups in her long-distant past, writes Beth Cooper-Howell in her weekly column Woman On Top.
A grown-up, gregarious mom – with more than enough “girl” still in her to make her sassy and fun to be with – she’s realised that the unresolved “stuff” is dragging her down like a pair of soggy trousers.
She wants out – out with the bad memories and in with current reality, where life is, for the most part, good.
Must be the guy’s fault, you’d say, being a commiserating sister to my nameless friend. That’s what I thought, anyway, when she broached the topic. I had a string of tips to share until she told me that the break-ups were female. And suddenly, that changes the game.
There are a million ways to heal the scar of romance, but slim pickings for those of us who can’t shed the re-play button in our heads as we analyse and agonise over the “what went wrong” of soured female friendship.
And according to Manchester University professor Carol Smart, the end of your connection with a girlfriend can be phenomenally cruel.
One of you doesn’t want this anymore – but there’s no manual giving you permission to do the “boyfriend/girlfriend” thing, which says it’s okay to meet for coffee and an “I’m just not that into you” chat.
Society makes it okay – though bloody painful – to not be biologically attracted to a member of the opposite sex with whom you once shared intimate dreams and late-night giggles. It’s a given that when you don’t see yourself taking the next step of moving in together, or getting married, or procreating, that there’s really no point in carrying on.
In other words, the eternal dance of man and woman assumes that long-term success depends on commitment. The friendship dance, though, has no such rules. And that’s why studies show that breaking up with a friend may, in fact, be a far more severe experience than ditching a dude.
Smart says guilt is key here. It’s not that “you’re incompatible or don’t see yourself getting married; it’s that you just don’t like someone enough to keep her a part of your life, end of story.
“The fact that there’s frequently a complicity and intimacy to the friendship in the first place makes it even harder”.
And that’s why it sucks. There’s no formal, poncier way to say it, really. If you stop liking a friend, you allow the thing to peter out, confusing her and making you feel like the villain of the piece. And if the roles are reversed, with you on the receiving end, you’ll possibly end up with a self-esteem in tatters and a starring role in Les Miserables.
But there’s hope. And it’s from my guru, Podge: for every soulmate sister you thought you couldn’t live without, there are a dime a dozen more, given that the planet boasts more women than men.
And the best bit is that you don’t have to wax, dye your hair, count calories or bend your personality out of shape in order to attract one.
St Francis Bay freelance journalist Beth Cooper-Howell takes a look at the other side of life in Woman on Top, her weekly lifestyle column for The Herald.
