Beware about-to-be parents

There are things to decide before you have a child, writes Eleanor Douglas-Meyers in her column for The Herald today.

I strongly believe that nothing changes your views on parenting, quite like being a parent . . . I know every mom is different, but if it was up to me, I would have wanted to be given this checklist before “signing up”. Are you okay with bodily fluids all over you, your house and even your car? On day two, while my son was in NICU and the nurse was changing him was when I first experienced this.

The moment she took the nappy off he somehow managed to get pooh ALL over, it even went through a cutout in his plastic crib and left a number one shaped pooh stain on the wall.

At home, he suffered from reflux and my dainty little spit up cloths were replaced with, cloth towels, blankets, buckets… Nothing ever stayed in him!

If you are planning on breastfeeding are you aware that at some point you will be wearing a thick jacket while the sun beats down on you, trying to act natural, because you are too embarrassed to strip down and reveal your milk-stained blouse.

I never understood just how important breast pads are. They REALLY are Are you able to operate on two hours’ worth of sleep? Even when my son slept I was so paranoid I would just stare at him.

So my nights were spent either being woken up by him crying or being woken up by him not crying.

Are you fine with putting your heels into hibernation?

I’m only now dusting of my stilettos (my son is four years old) because regardless of what the models/celebs and fashion blogging moms say, running on heels is MUCH easier than “mumming” on heels.

Pushing a stroller with a child on your hip (because he suddenly hates the stroller), while tittering on sky scraper heels is not for the faint-hearted.

And when they are in the toddler stage, they can take off so fast you need to be ready to Bolt like Usain at a moments notice. Are you okay with cold (at best lukewarm) food When they are tiny they seem to use the act of you sitting down to eat, as their queue to cry to be picked up.

It’s amazing really, and I for one don’t think you have lived until you have breastfed while eating a pie, like a boss.

When they get older they want to taste your food or in the case of my picky eater just touch it and act repulsed.

When they reach toddler stage, you end up eating with one hand and mopping up spills with the other . . . very classy.

Oh and when you go out to eat, you can spot the mom’s by their eating style . . . The faster the “act of shoveling of food into your mouth” the younger your kid . . . I remember having to tell myself to bite, chew, swallow, repeat. Are you aware that stepping on toys is a prerequisite? Whether it’s stepping on a loud squeaky toy the moment you finally get them to sleep or something sharp and hard like a Lego that makes you dance around in pain while trying not to use any “bad words” stepping on toys WILL HAPPEN. Unless you have a team of nannies or have the reflexes of cat woman that is.

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Are you ready to say goodbye to your home

Toys and baby stuff will overtake your house. Despite your best intentions you will not have a baby living with you, you will be living with a baby . . . don’t say I didn’t warn you Are you okay with being judged about every little thing? Everyone has an opinion! Don’t hold him like that, don’t feed him like that, don’t do this, don’t do that, sleep with him close, but not that close, actually closer, nooooooo that’s too close.

Now only eat fruit farmed by monks by the light of the moon to ensure he gets the best in your milk for the next three years, you simply must feed for that long, any shorter or longer and we will call child protection services.

Also, I hope his pacifier is organic, they really shouldn’t have pacifiers though, but the one you don’t give him should still be organic.

Would you like to be physically unable to walk into a shop to by something for yourself?

You can buy stuff for yourself, just not without, a little something, just something small, tiny really for the baby. This one trumps all, it carries ten points Are you okay with waking up every day feeling so blessed you could burst. Are you fine with being loved and adored for just being you and with loving and adoring someone who you are responsible for.

Also are you keen to watch someone grow and learn and to experience a world of firsts?

I for one think I would be right where I am now with or without the questions . . .

Eleanor Douglas-Meyers is a crafty mom from Uitenhage who writes about DIY, parenting, natural hair care, fashion, food and fun on her blog