Give kids 'felt' opportunities and not only for worldly success
MY ELDEST is growing up too fast. Just as time is speeding up, so too are our children, who know more than we ever did at their age. Does this make them happier? I think not. But while we can't put brakes on the march of time, we can (and should) be making childhood an easier ride than it is now.
Looking at the amount of homework my studious kid zips through each week, I'm reminded of how much less free time she has than I did. And how stress levels have tripled for people her age – the type of stress I only recall feeling when I got to my mid-teens – possibly older.
What's up with the world? What are we chasing? In my book, it's always been a dog-eats-dog environment out there: he who chases the ball and gets it, wins. But why did the chase seem more like a stroll in the park back then, rather than the full-on Olympic sprint it is now?
She's learning things now that I only tackled in high school. Her maths is brushing against the reality of "crikey Moses, I can't help you with this – call your dad". She has extra-mural activities four days a week, compared with my once-weekly "general" tennis (such a gentle euphemism, "general", for kids like me with paltry ball "skills").
Mostly, she finishes her day at around 5pm or later – by then, I had already been rooting around in the garden or park with my mates for a good couple of hours.
There are studies warning me that our kids are doing too much and stressing way more than they should – but these same studies also tell me that I should be grateful for the "mass of opportunity" afforded to the modern youth; those with enough funds to access it, of course.
Opportunity. I think that's what drives us. Back and forth to horse riding, art, extra maths, music and right-through-winter swimming.
We want to give our kids the "opportunities" we didn't have, when the world was simpler, TV only started at 4.30pm and not everybody had to go to university to "make it".
And we skip after those same "opportunities" ourselves – always seeking to better our qualifications, or supplement incomes with part-time work, or keep up appearances by buying expensive couches in neutrals and genuine leather.
Blogger, public speaker and trainer Richard Wright has sliced through the insanity by explaining that how we define "opportunity" may be a load of tripe, really.
It's not necessarily a "thing", opportunity, he says – not an "object to be provided, a certificate, or a piece of paper".
Rather, consider that all the best schools, reports, awards and bulging bank balances in your child's adult world can't replace real opportunity – the chance to feel "loved, important, and secure in who they are".
In Richard's view, we should be focusing on the unseen, but felt things, such as providing stability, predictability, dependability, security and solid roots, as well as emotional independence, positive habits and routine. We also need to teach our kids – and ourselves – how to handle defeat and failure: and to accept that it happens, because it does.
The people who have meant the most to me are not the ones who showered me with money or stuff, but those who demonstrated unconditional human kindness and taught me how to love.
As one wise mom said: remind your kids that making memories is more important than taking a gazillion photos on your phone. You can go to bed dreaming of happy experiences, but you can't keep your eyes open all night, staring at pictures.
