Latest diet fad won't get me putting butter in my coffee

UNLESS you're completely at ease in your skin – and thus akin to a goddess – it's nigh impossible to have missed the world's latest foodie obsession: the death of the common sandwich.

Whenever I see a new diet trend emerge, I wonder what my late gran would think.

How have we catapulted ourselves from a basic eat-to-survive methodology into the demonising of an entire food group? And into the birth of yet another slew of books, blogs and one-hit-wonder TV shows telling us how to avoid it?

There are a thousand ways to label a diet, but at the end of the day, that's all it is: a diet. And if it works for you, fab.

If it doesn't, you're either doing it wrong, too poor to afford it or won't give up cake, period.

According to pop culture and a range of experts, the latest way to lose weight, gain health and shed disease is to drop bread, pick up fat and make pizza and shepherd's pie from cauliflower instead of dough and mashed potatoes.

As outlandish as this sounds, the stuff actually does taste good. And when a family member (he refuses to let me name him) recently went the way of the cave man – the version of this global carb-free eating plan called Paleo, appropriately – he dropped four dress sizes in less than two months and is able to glide around town incognito.

We have also had to buy him lots of new jeans. And socks, since even his feet have shrunk.

I've given the whole shebang a try. I tested a variety of off-shoots, which are all pretty much the same, really, if you're having to swear off sugar, fry your broccoli bits in coconut oil and put butter in your coffee, instead of milk.

When I didn't lose any weight – and that's just me, because I know many who have – I booked a battery of tests to prove that I have vague, genetically-driven medical problems which are my ideal excuse for a life-long battle with the bulge.

Bittersweetly, I am very healthy, according to my doc.

Happy hormones, robust blood, a ticking-along metabolism, solid sugar levels and the bullish heart of a buffalo. Peer pressure is not a pretty thing.

If your neighbour can handle pasta-free pasta and a roosterbrood-less braai, then why can't you?

Because you don't want to, that's why. And there's nothing more stubborn than a woman hanging onto the last brownie.

So for all of you who put butter in your coffee, salut! I'm going to keep it on my bread, where it belongs.