Give the gift of attention this Valentine's Day

It’s February. Meaning, it’s that favourite time of the year again that the uncoupled people get irritated because, in the world of relationships, it’s a month for couples to remind one another how much they love one another.

And almost every retail store is already decorated with a red colour theme with cupid arrows, chocolates, roses and appropriately themed gift cards of all types.

Not forgetting the promotional prizes, gift packs and sale items. Oh, and not forgetting the special gala dinner functions by independent event organisers, as well as promotions for two by various restaurants. Time to cash in? It’s Valentine’s Day, and it’s time to cash in for some.

We’ll bypass the temptation to express our view on the origins of Valentine’s Day, the commercialisation of love, and how the expression of love ought to be part of our daily lifestyles as couples. We don’t think our view will change yours about this day anyway.

However, we do wish to offer one idea of a gift to give your partner during this season for your consideration. One whose impact we believe would last far beyond a romantic dinner, jewellery, chocolate, rose and a gift card.

Next week we hope to give you some creative ideas to express your appreciation for your bae in these tough financial times. So let’s get into it.

There is nothing that screams, “I love you” in a relationship more than giving your partner the gift of your time, attention and presence. Paying deliberate attention to your spouse means you put everything and everyone else that you could be attending to aside, and prioritise your partner by taking notice of them.

You don’t only become physically present in the moment, but also through emotional connection that can only be shared by two individuals that share a deep level of intimacy. Attention is a gift Now that gift, especially when it’s exchanged on a regular basis, will leave a much more lasting impression on your partner.

We know this may seem a little off to the average man who is socialised to believe that the way to her heart is through “things”, and that as a man you should prove your love through your purchasing power.

At one level, presence means physical nearness in the form of all that you do together. There is a tenderness of a loving comfort that such intimacy brings, and often deeply envied by those who dance alone.

Yet for those who do have a partner, sometimes this endearing level of comfort allows us to mask and ignore an underlying, gnawing sense of separateness, of not really being known or touched as often as we’d like largely because of the comfortable stability of familiarity. There is serious danger to being overly familiar to your partner.

It’s great to know his favourite colour shirt or tie, and how she likes her eggs done. Familiarity is an asset in marriage. But beware the danger on the flip-side, over-familiarity.

The danger of over-familiarity is when you think you are close enough to your partner to excuse you for doing things that are obnoxious, while not allowing those things to be done to you. Over-familiarity borders on entitlement, when you believe you have earned a free pass and therefore have the right to do certain things because you believe you know what’s best for your partner. Take notice of your spouse When was the last time you took notice of your spouse, and told her that she looked really beautiful with her hair down? Or when was the last time you regarded your spouse as interesting and actually listened to what he had to say about a sports match?

Spending time and being present in the moment of our relationships will cause us to appreciate one another in more meaningful ways. Our familiarity of one another will remain healthy because we’d be learning new things about each other regularly.

In today’s world of explosive advertising, everyone is vying for your attention. Who will you give it to? Who deserves it? Who needs, and perhaps even craves it? We have to consciously choose to forego some great things in our daily lives to deliberately choose our spouses – simply because they’re our spouses.

There are other levels of presence that can provide even greater joy, deeper intimacy and more nourishing spiritual bonding. Consciously or unconsciously, all of us crave this deeper level of attention and time given to us by someone we love.

We all deeply yearn to be truly seen and heard by our loved ones. This speaks of someone who exclusively connects with you at an emotional level.

As Mo & Phindi, we take Valentine’s Day as a reminder to celebrate each other. We appreciate gift giving ... a lot. That’s one of our love languages. However, every day is an opportunity to exchange not only presents, but share in each other’s presence in an atmosphere that results in valuable intimacy.

Giving your partner the unwavering gift of attention where they become the sole object of your attention, without anything or anyone getting in the way, will ensure much deeper and lasting intimacy than a staged romantic dinner.

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