Reading between teenager lines
AS I make my way to meet British parenting gurus Janey Downshire and Naella Grew, it dawns on me that, if I am really going to test their teenager parenting skills, I ought to turn up in role.
First I should be late, irked they never told me London was so big. Then, looking for my pad and pen, I ought to throw a hissy fit because I've lost my bag (the new one they bought me for my birthday).
Then, as they begin talking about their new book Teenagers Translated, I should be texting friends under the table while picking the icing off Janey's carrot cake.
If she looks annoyed, I ought to say: "I am listening," and roll my eyes. At the end I would need to sign off with: "Nice story, bro," and ask for a lift to a friend's house.
Finally, when starting this article last thing at night and realising I haven't listened to a word they've said, I'd need to sidle up to either of them brushing their teeth and demand they help me.
If the answer is "no", I should stamp off screaming: "OK, fine, make me fail!"
"I think many parents recognise facets of this behaviour," says calm, reflective Grew, when I put this scenario to her.
"Our aim is to provide a tool kit for parents to deal with the tempestuous emotions of the teenage years."
Parenting classes and manuals are a big industry these days. But Downshire and Grew's book (sub-title: How to Raise Happy Teens) stands out due to its powerful core idea: neuroscience can explain the chaotic impulses and emotions of the evolving teenage brain.
Research supported by MRI scanning shows the brain undergoes huge structural changes during the teenage years.
Important neural pathways are laid down, which contribute to long-term behavioural responses.
Once you understand the nuances of your parenting – and these can be as basic as voice tone, eye contact, the wording of a request – influence the release of brain chemicals – you can affect your child's behaviour and emotional welfare.
More importantly, if you can show your teenage child how their own brain chemistry works, you can teach them an invaluable skill: how to self-regulate the sometimes powerful urges of the brain's amygdala, a primitive structure which MRI scans show is hyperactive and ultra-sensitive in teenage years.
Downshire and Grew say teenage turmoil can start at 10 and might go on until 24 and both have been struck by the ingrained western cultural defeatism around raising teens – although they have high hopes their methods can reverse this.
"We are saying the old reaction is not enough," says Grew. "Neuroscience now tells us that, with teenagers, we are moulding fluid personalities into firmer identities. Rather than throwing your hands up, it's essential to see this is not the time to disengage. It's time to affect the outcome with specific tools."
And let's not forget, either, that the cost of failing to understand our teenagers is becoming higher.
"In the modern world we don't have the luxury of not teaching our children to manage their feelings," says Grew. "The internet and social media age more or less insists they have a self-regulating response to the temptations of smoking, porn, self-harm, eating disorders, alcohol or drugs. Without that skill, they are just so vulnerable."
Grew and Downshire estimate 85% of what we communicate to our children is non-verbal. They are absorbing the way we talk and dress, and whether we smile and hold eye contact.
It is mostly mothers who sign up but, interestingly, a group of fathers recently organised to do a course.
"For dads the cause-and-effect explanations appeal," says Downshire. "Many of our ideas resonate with the management and leadership skills they may have encountered at work. Besides, dads are tired of being wheeled on as the disciplinarian at home. They enjoy having these more sophisticated tools."
And that brings us to the crux. Teenagers Translated is as much about changing parents as teenagers. – The Daily Telegraph
